Okay, I admit it.  I’ve been pulled down the “Mad Men” tunnel and am half-way through watching the second season.  Likewise, my husband and I are in the process of catching up on Showtime’s “Brotherhood“. The first one is set in the 50′s and 60′s and the latter is present time.  Although both shows have completely different premises, MM is of the world of Advertising and Media and BH is of the Irish underworld—Tony Soprano done green.  In both shows, everyone seems to have something to hide.  Some kind of secret behavior—affairs kept from wives and husbands or drug use—or keeping secret and withholding who they really are and what they really think.

Really?

I mean, I can understand society heading out of the 50′s going into the 60′s having a certain polish and persona that they’ve been building since WWII but it’s interesting to see the same kind of withholding done in the underground of today as well.

So where does that leave you and me?  Who are we hiding from?  What are we hiding from?  What is so damn important to keep under wraps that we would sell our souls to keep it private?  Really?  Does that make for a happy home life or a happy work life or a happy public life?  And when does it stop?  When do we get to finally be who we are and just relax and “be” ? The joke though is that many times, the very thing that we think we should keep hidden or quiet—someone “sees” or senses about us anyway.  In a lot of cases who we are is obvious to others around us.  Unless you’re a really good actor and if you are, I bet your surrounded by other really good actors as well.  Doesn’t sound like much of a fun life to me.  What is the pay off to you for hiding?

If you don’t get honest about who you are with anyone else but yourself right now, do that.  Get quiet and listen to what you have been trying to hear from yourself.  You just may be surprised at the outcome.

Saran Wrap Keeps Everything Fresh---Even You!

About seven years ago, I took the Winslow Assessment because I wanted to offer it to my coaching clients and my Coach at the time used your own personal assessment as part of the training for understanding and explaining  it to others.  One of the personality traits that stood out about me was that I had pretty much off the charts a need for recognition.  Just like “if you give a mouse a cookie” , having a high need for recognition can be a good thing or a negative thing depending on how it is perceived and handled.  Some of the wisdom that I received over the years from the wonderful Coaches who I have worked with includes the belief that we all have needs. Needs are not good or bad, they just “are”.  Much as a flower needs sunshine, soil, water and nutrients, we “need” certain things as well.  Then it was advised that when you recognize an unmet need, to come up with as many ways/times/conditions etc. as you can to get that need met. In other words, create a way to get your need saturated.  Coach Steve Straus likes to say that he believed that “needs can be permanently healed:”.  When I first heard Steve say that, I thought that sounded pretty off the wall but I respected him enough to hang with it to see if it was possible to permanently heal a need and I’ve come to believe that, at least some needs, can be permanently healed.

Some of what I did to get recognized in a healthy way was to write.  I’ve been writing and writing and writing since 2006 and in fact just began another 365 blogs in 365 days competition with myself.  I also have been hosting web radio shows, one that is defunct and one that has been going on for a few years now (www.blogtalkradio.com/hope42day) where i get to interview all kinds of people from all over the world who are up to good things that bring hope to us.  Slowly, ever so slowly I began to feel that need for recognition dissipate where I preferred to share recognition with others and in some cases reflect it to others completely.

Some of the gifts that come from healing that huge need for recognition (that probably got me into a lot of trouble in my youth!) is that I can take my kudos from all kinds of places and in all kinds of degrees today.  One of my favorite Starbuck’s Baristas and soon-to-be-radio-talent Herc Trevino, gave me some of the nicest compliments about some postings of mine the other day as I grabbed my java.  Absolutely made my week!  Another friend on LinkedIn voted my share as “Best of” for her Question which was a true honor that I really appreciated.  Did I need either of these to meet my need for recognition? No.  But I accept them gratefully and take in the generosity from which they were given with gratitude. Such a nice place to be in when receiving instead of being needy, needy, needy!! But I haven’t figured out yet how to get through the needy, needy, needy without finding a way to absolutely drench yourself with ways to get your needs met first so that when you are (I am) recognized, I’m able to receive and reciprocate the appreciation that has been extended because I have an overflowing cup to give from.

The grandfather of coaching, Thomas Leonard, used to tell us to get your needs fully met so that you can then give to others from your reserves. The idea being that you can give from your overflow gladly because there is plenty to go around.

What kudos/recognition/needs have you recognized today?

Accepting Kudos from Whence They Came!

Okay, let me get this straight. What “everyone” is saying (you know “everyone” and “the experts” and “them”….) is that in the “old days” it used to be so much better because…XYZ…and now everything is moving too fast and no one is spending time to connect with each other “like we did in the old days”….is that about what we’ve been hearing/reading/understanding about what is going on today?

I finally have been able to download a few of the episodes of “Mad Men” (which is about the slick world of advertisers, men and women of the 1950′s) and am horrified about how misogynistic it is towards women.   Even though I came along a decade later, there were still vestiges of that era that wafted its way through my growing up years.  Trust me, even in the “free love” decades of the 60′s and 70′s, people as a whole were still hiding behind their facades for the most part.   Even in the 1980′s when the world really let loose and fantastic creative ways of acting out were expressed through art, music and the way we dressed … we were all still not completely communicating with each other individually and at a group level.  We were rushing to there to get away from here.

In the 1990′s and the beginning of the 00′s, the internet and the mighty web sprouted to life.  I’ll never forget that feeling the first time I communicated with someone back and forth in real time.  It was almost sensual the level of immediate intimacy that took place.  I could definitely “feel” someone’s personality just by how they communicated with their words, because there wasn’t the distraction of the person or any of my other senses.  Just the words.

And now we find ourselves in today where most of us are interacting by at least one social networking group if not two or three or more.  I must confess that it does kind of mess with the judge in my brain when I’m walking through a University campus and see almost everyone that I come across fervently looking at their iphone while texting madly with one thumb. The one hope is that evidently hormones are stronger than any smart phone can come up with yet and so where the pheromones are flying, people are engaging in conversation and direct eye-contact.  In so many ways, our lives are so much richer today than they’ve ever been.  As a species, we humans are more able to connect with each other today on a deeper level then ever.  And therein lays the rub.  I’m learning that the human condition is such that we will always be looking for that next thing that will make our lives the best ever. I’m sure it is an evolutionary composite of our personalities. That we are always striving to improve our lives.  The trick is to remember, when we are able, to enjoy those moments of  in-between here and there.

I don’t know how you remember things, but some of my sweetest memories are what I call “postcards from the Divine”.  I will remember the color of the setting sun on clouds at 8:00pm on a summer night.  My brain recalls the warm cream/yellow of the clouds with the pinkish highlight on the sides and the brush of purple on the bottom.  I’m pretty sure that these “postcards” are what help me remember the specialness of everyday.

Remember that it only takes a moment to stand in the middle of now and open your arms up wide to accept it.  I’m a collector of these kind of postcards of yesterday and today for reviewing tomorrow.  How about you?  What postcards will you give to yourself?

In coaching, religion, therapy and other self-help modalities you will often be encouraged to listen to the still small voice within you.  For many of us, to get to that still small voice is like running through the dark alleys of a very fast moving and sophisticated city (as in one of my fav sci-fi movies, “Blade Runner”).  There are other louder voices that are constantly moving us towards our fears and away from the truth that we have to navigate over and through before we can sidle up quietly to hear that still small voice within.  For many of us though, we have to simply take it on the faith of others who say they have heard (and often listen to) that still small voice—that someday we too will be able to hear it.    Loosely using the framework of the 12-steps of AA, here are some steps I’ve taken to evolve the voices to one still small voice:

1. The first step to getting to the still small voice is to admit that there is a cacophony of noises that I’ve/you’ve/we’ve  allowed to get in the way.
2. The second step is to believe that that is a still small voice within all of us.
3. Reach out for help whether it be from a trusted friend, family member, clergy member, psychologist, mentor, etc. — someone who can help you navigate through the bramble.
4. Document what you are noticing about the voice or voices in your head.  One of the Founder’s of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) Richard Bandler has many books and CDs that teaches you how to work with the voices in your head that you want to transform.
5. Find someone you trust who you can share what you’ve discovered about the voices in your head and how you want to be able to hear the still small voice within.
6. Resolve to take consecrated action towards training your brain how to direct its attention away from the committee of unhelpful voices by focusing on the positive truths that you know.
7. Keep asking for help in getting your thoughts in alignment with how you want your mind to be. (I don’t know about you, but I want a nice place to hang out!)

For me it has taken concentration, focus, tenacity, patience, trust, trust  and more trust to weed out the voices that no longer serve my mind.  I’m sure at some point in my life these voices probably had to be REALLY LOUD to get my attention so that I wouldn’t harm myself or others but I’ve grown up quite a lot since then and am capable and willing of taking responsibility for the thoughts that ramble through my brain.

You can do this too if you’re willing to take one small step towards trusting that it is possible for you!

We all have the capacity to be intuitive,  I don’t care who you are or where you come from, part of the human condition (I believe) is to be intuitive.  To me, being intuitive means that you get “inklings” of knowing or understanding of how things are which is not to be confused with being clairvoyant.  Being intuitive could be because of all manner of things from whatever spiritual beliefs you may or may not hold to just another way to explain how a part of our brain works.

Now, sometimes my intuition bumps up against being clairvoyant or psychic but I think that is just because sometimes I “know” or “get” things where I don’t have an understanding of how I get them. They just happen.  I would imagine that many artists, writers, and entrepreneurs flow with an outward manifesting of their intuition all the time.  The flow is just so natural to them, whether it be how they paint, create, write or brainstorm ideas, that they just don’t think twice about it most of the time.

Many years ago I was privileged to be part of a spiritual/psychic/enter name here kind of a group that came together to explore our intuitive side more deeply.  One of those friends really delved into her animal communication which became her life’s vocation (Leta, that’s you!).  I learned all kinds of levels and skills regarding animal communication and have played around with communicating with my animals, critters who live in the wild around me and other people’s animals for many years now.  Most of the time, I still don’t know if  I’m really having a communication with an animal or if it is just my fanciful imagination.  Except those times when things occur that just hover on the edge of being possible.  Like this evening for instance.

But let me back-up to create the scenario.  One of my cats, who I feel a special bonding with–K.C., had been gone for going on five days.  This summer, whether it be because of the heat, the drought, the Paul dog, Greybar or just sheer curiosity, has been one of K.C. taking mini-trips for 4 days or so without coming home and checking in for the night.  As we live out in the country, her being gone can be very nerve wracking as many of our neighbors have lost cats to coyotes, foxes and all kinds of things that go bump in the night.  The first couple of times K.C. didn’t come home, I suspected that she had crawled in some neighbor’s shed or garage and gotten stuck because she always came home skinny and famished.  But this last time, I thought she had either made the decision to find another home because she was pissed about the Paul dog chasing her or had been eaten.

So this evening, I went out to the porch swing in the backyard and got in my meditation pose, did my breathing, and then very clearly and neutrally began trying to connect with K.C.’s brain portal in my mind.  Finally, I began silently calling out to her calmly thinking K.C. where are you?  I’d been doing this for no less than three minutes and pictured her hopping over the back fence, jumping up on the porch and walking towards me when I heard her meow and opened my eyes and there she was walking towards me.  Now I don’t know if what happened here was sheer beautiful coincidence or if I had actually “reached” K.C. but I sure was happy either way.  I also sensed that she was glad to see me and welcomed the calm space that I had created for her to enter via being in a meditative state of mind.

Sometimes these things that we humans are capable of doing such as animal communication, being intuitive, etc. come so naturally and easily to us that some of us may disregard them.  But I think that may be the point of so many miracles in our life that they are much more elegant than we would ever imagine and with just a bit of effort on our part, whatever special gifts you may have inside of you can be brought out. If only to hear the friendly meow of a missing cat.

What do you want to take a closer look at that may just be a gift that you didn’t realize you had?

What comes to my mind immediately when I hear salesperson is  straight  out of a 60′s sitcom TV land where the salesperson is a cross between one of Samantha Stevens’ relatives and right  out of a Maytag storefront from Mayberry RFD. They’re someone who is wearing some form of all over checkers, snapping their fingers and popping their gum.  They have  slicked back hair in some style or fashion to give the overall feeling of a schlemiel and whose main objective  in life is to get the most out of you that they can for whatever product or service they are selling.  These characteristics have been baked in mind over many decades!

Fast forward to the end of the 90′s and the 2000′s when I found myself recruiting technical architects, developers, project managers from all across the globe.  Imagine my surprise when I learned from one of the consultants we’d hired that from their perspective  recruiters a.k.a. head hunters were as close to used car salesman as they could get.  That’s not how I saw myself at all and I spent a decade helping to create a team of recruiters who earned the reputation as someone who cared about the people who we worked for (our company, the consultants as well as the clients) and that we were looking out for their best interests—not just our own.

I left my tenure as a technical recruiter to pursue my calling as a Professional Life Coach. Along the way I’ve been writing and blogging as well as producing, writing, and hosting a web-based internet show (Hope42Day).  During these past few years I’ve heard many things from friends and family as they try to pin down what it is a do and how I do it well from “Lynn you’re a great writer, you’re a great interviewer to you’re great at inspiring people’. The one aspect/skill that has come up time and time again whether it’s by professional assessments or personal opinions is that I’m a great salesperson.

WHAT?  Me?! But I don’t even slick back my hair and I don’t own anything checkered how could this be?!

You may have heard over the course of your life that the Divine/God/Higher Power/Energy that flows all around us has a great sense of humor.  I seem to attract this into my life so naturally falling into the opportunity to sell a product for a good friend is of special hilarity I’m sure!   I so love the lighting fixtures that my friend sells and believe in the hard effort that she has put into creating this product that I naturally have found myself talking about it in an enthusiastic way to anyone who will give me the time.  It wasn’t until I told my friend about a conversation that  I had with the store owner of a very upscale furniture/design place that she offered to pay me commission for any connections that end up as sales for her product.  Being the networker that I am, I immediately set up a meeting with the decision makers of a company who I just know could use her product.  Next week I’m meeting with my friend and her team to learn even more about her product and where I can make presentations about it.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am a Life/Executive Coach first, blogger and interviewer second and somewhere in and out of these I am informing people about my friend’s products.

Okay, I’m a salesperson.  And I’m having to get over my own bias of what a shyster that a salesperson can be to realize that is not who I am.  Slowly I’m recalling some of the true salespeople I’ve known in my life, whose career was 100% sales and I’m realizing that I’ve actually known some really good, kind, honest people who happened to sell a product or service—I just hadn’t thought of them as being a salesperson.  I thought of them as being more a relater of important information for me to make the best decision.

So if we run into each other out on the streets when you’re with a friend, you may introduce me as someone who is a Coach, Writer and Broadcaster. You can also tell them that I’m very enthusiastic about a lighting product that I can tell them more about if they’re interested but please, please, please don’t call me a salesperson!!

Connecting schmanecting!  What does “connecting with others” even mean?!  In my world of “Lynn definitions” connecting with others means being authentic, being truthful about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking and being curious and caring about the person(s) who I am in conversation.  Connecting is the ying and yang process of communication. It’s listening with your ears, brain, eyes, heart and sixth sense as well as speaking from the Dan-Tian so that your voice vibration reflects the energy of your truth. You can “see” how many of us communicate with each other by observing people in action.  Think of yourself as being Jane Goodall only you’re watching humans instead of apes  (albeit distant relatives) and you’ll probably not be in the jungle!

Sometime when you have 5-10 minutes find a comfy place where you can sit back and listen to people talking.  What is the mood of the conversations?  What sounds do you hear the voices making?  Can you tell where the sound of their words is coming from in their bodies?  I do these exercises all the time and am fascinated by what I observe.  I’m a very visual person so it helps me to translate the voices I hear into shapes that I can “see” and then understand.  One vivid memory was of a timid woman speaking  to a man who was at least a foot taller then her and about 100 pounds heavier.  She seemed to have important information that she wanted to communicate to him but lacked the confidence to communicate it. When she spoke, the sound of her voice took on the shape of a crescent moon. It started out with a sharp constricted point on the bottom,  opened up as she became more confident and finished the same way she began with sounding insecure and almost angry at the position she found herself in while trying to get information across that was being brushed aside.

But Lynn, you may be asking, what does all this have to do with connecting with others and how in the hell can it save my life?!  There’s a lot of talk out there in the spheres about connecting with others and how important it is but very few of us really know or understand what that means much less how to do it.  Then we end up in life or death situations that we haven’t a clue who and how to ask for help.  A good friend shared a story with me this week about a conversation she had with one of her favorite sales associates.   On a random drive-by shopping tour, my friend dropped by the store to check out the new styles and found herself in a very intimate conversation with this woman who she sees maybe four times a year.  This friend of mine is a very good “connector” and is genuine when she asks others how they are doing so when she asked the woman how she was, in a very short time she learned that the woman had seriously contemplated suicide over the weekend and while she was going through the thought process of doing it, this woman realized that she had not one person she could call in her time of need.  I’m betting that woman has friends and family in her life that would be there for her, but she may not have any experience with really connecting with any of them on a regular basis.

I’m a member of a 12-step program that encourages to call at least 3 people in the program every day!  That can be for quick 5-10 minute check-in phone calls but because we tend to be a group of people who are prone to isolation when the crappola hits the fan, learning to call three people a day is our antidote.  When I came into this program over eight years ago and heard the “suggestion” of calling at least three people a day, that was one of the tools of this program that was almost a deal breaker for me.  I had been a recruiter for years when I joined and so was used to talking with many people everyday. I couldn’t imagine having to add 3 people of my list to call and in my own private time!!

What  I soon realized over the course of months and years was that with the practice of talking with 3 people a day about how I was and what was going on with me for that day (and also being there for others and really listening to who and where they were in their lives), I was making deposits in my spiritual account for connecting so that when something really big happens to me in my life, picking up the phone and calling someone is such a habit that I can do it effortlessly.  And sometimes I have that isolator commander in my head that starts negating everyone that I am thinking about calling before I pick up the phone, and I just tell it “thank you for sharing” and pick up the phone and dial a number.  If nothing more happens than the possibility of  being of service to someone else then that is great.  At least I am making an attempt at connecting.

I think this is one of those Malcolm Gladwell Outlier moments when you have to put your energy and effort into something for 10,000 hours to become an expert.  So to learn how to connect and to be able to connect at those moments when all we want to do is to hang this life up then making the effort today to connect with others could save your life tomorrow!

Who are you going to call today and really make a connection?

If you’re in a committed relationship (whether married or living together) do you ever take what you have for granted?  I’m pretty sure divorce statistics out there will show that many of us do take our marriage/relationship for granted.   After 21 years of being with my husband and 19 years of marriage, I can tell you today I am more grateful and aware of  what we have together then I certainly was the first 5 or so years of our marriage.  Nothing brings this to the forefront of my awareness more than to watch other couples in action.  Today I will give you a few tips that have helped me not take my marriage/husband for granted.  Add, delete, amend as best fits your relationship!  Your comments/wisdom is encouraged!

This summer I’m taking the dreaded required “College Math” class. Luckily for me, pretty much every student taking this class is in the same boat.   Going on week three most of us are already behind on our homework, haven’t studied for our first exam and haven’t even begun to think about the project that is due by the end of the semester. Such conditions make for instant friendships when “in-class” quizzes are assigned.  Consequently, I’m getting to know my row-mate, the couple in front of me, the guy who sits across the aisle from me and the gal who sits in the row behind me.  You can tell the young couple sitting in front loves each other, but the bloom is definitely fading and so they swing barbs at each other when one of them doesn’t get an answer correctly or figures out a problem as fast as the other one.  This prompted my row-mate and I to ask them if they were married (yes) and then how long (year 3).   I shared with them that the first three years of our marriage have definitely been the toughest for us thus far.

Some of the reasons I took my marriage for granted:

1.) Basic immaturity and not understanding intimacy

2.) Not realizing that in my past relationships,  I had confused the state of  “limerence” with being “in love”

3.) See #1 above

4.) Fear. Fear. Fear

5.) Discovering that in the midst of the “run away” recording that I would play in my head over and over again if a relationship went too long that I actually had a very monogamous value system buried inside me when it came to marriage. I couldn’t and wouldn’t run away but I sure didn’t like where I was at!

Some of the tips we’ve figured out along the way to help us not take our marriage for granted:

1.) No cursing at each other.  Treating each other with respect is key.  I wouldn’t curse at my Starbucks’ Barista so why would I curse at the man/woman I love?

2.) No yelling (especially curse words!)  When we first began this, when I found myself wanting to yell I would simply open up my mouth and let out sound (very similar to toning)…it expressed my overwhelming feelings, gave me time to figure out what I was feeling so that I could talk about it and prevented me from  damaging our relationship with the swords of words.  Of course, after a few times of this one or both of us would end up in laughing fits.  Think of Monty Python without the hats.

3.) Came to believe that my husband really did love me and actually looked out for my best interest. We were not in court and disagreements were not trials.

4.) Try to discover new things each day that I can be grateful for regarding my husband and our marriage.  I usually can find more than two. Now does this mean that I never see his faults? Absolutely not. But it tempers the natural flow of my judgmental mind.

5.)  A few years ago, I interviewed an author Saundra Pelletier about her book, “Saddle Up Your Own White Horse” and I’ll never forget one piece of advice she gave about her happy marriage: “have sex at least three times a week”.  Now obviously the amount changes per need and comfort of each couple but I was really grateful to hear someone throwing a number out there with such confidence. Two years later, heeding her advice has worked out very well for us.

The list goes on and on.  I don’t know about you, but I love to “interview” couples in my world who have been together for awhile and are happy.  How the heck have they done it?  What is their secret?  What words of wisdom do they have?  It’s a dog eat dog eat cat eat mouse eat veggie world out there today and many of us are having a helluva time just keeping our heads above water much less paying attention to creating a happy relationship BUT paying attention to having a healthy relationship is one of THE most important aspects of our lives that we can give our attention.  For those who are single, paying attention to the relationship you have with yourself, your higher power, your family, your friends, your coworkers and other people in general is also one of the (if not “the”) most important aspects that you can focus on.

When I think of how uncomfortable my home life used to be, I understand better why some countries do not get along with each other.  If we can’t get along with the people we’ve agreed to love then how can we expect ourselves to attempt to get along with those we don’t like?

Turns out that a marriage is like being inside of an oyster. There’s all kinds of things that are going to flow into and out of the cocoon of your relationship, how you handle yourself is the difference between creating a pearl or ending up with wet and smelly sand.  The choice is yours….

You’ve just got to love us humans. We’re all running around using all kinds of tools and “geegads” (buttons, tools, technology, etc.) to communicate with each other but very rarely do we experience that wonderful moment when someone finally tops to listen to us.  When someone does finally stop to listen to you, what do you do?  As many of you know, for the past couple of months I’ve been talking with another coach four days a week for 20 minutes (sometimes creeping up to 30 minutes) a day.  We trade back and forth with what we’re working on but this all started as a way for my friend to jump start her coaching business after a hiatus while she helps me with mine.  Through our process we’re also taking notes about the passages we’re going through because, more than likely, we will have clients who will experience the same highs, lows, frustrations, coasting, flying and all the emotions and thoughts in between.

Our call today helped me to remember why I’m grateful for all the therapy, coaching, workshops, sessions and treatments I’ve had in my life up until now because when I spoke for a good ten minutes without interruptions I was able to get  to the truth of the matter of what was going on regarding how I want to be using my skills/talents/wisdom in the world.  My friend did a magnificent job of holding the space for me to vent out my thoughts and feelings til I got to the nugget.  I knew I’d gotten to the what was really going on with me when I felt like throwing up.  The real fear and feelings were all around it.  We’ve all known people who we have witnessed venting/processing who make us want to run for the exit as fast as we can. Sometimes we react that way because their strong feelings scare us and we don’t know what to do with their emotions much less our own.  Other times these people are energy suckers who just want our attention and energy as they go over the same story/racket/territory again and again and again. For cases like that, I realize that there are those who believe people who get stuck in a rut like that just need to keep venting until they get unstuck—but I’m sure not one of them!

What I got out of the experience of my friend generously giving me the space and room to verbally process what was in my head and heart, was the feeling of gratitude that someone had finally stopped to listen to me.  The only thing about being thoroughly listened to is that now I know I need to keep moving forward and I’ve exposed just a little bit more of myself with this friend by my honest sharing and by her listening so that my denial blanket has become less of a comfortable choice for avoiding action.  Additionally, I want to give this experience of stopping and really listening to someone, to another person.  It’s really a huge gift for both the receiver as well as the sender.

If there is any point of wisdom that I would like for you to take away from today’s blog it is for you to really think about what it is that you want to say, write, sing, dance, art, express to others and to keep fine tuning it and getting more precise and getting more focused until who you are stops other people in their tracks to listen to what you have to say.